she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
