This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
