we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I could fuck to npr.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
