Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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