It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
