you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
