3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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