I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
