Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
