Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
