My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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