A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
