Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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