I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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