Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
