we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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