I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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