I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
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