i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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