Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
