I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
