just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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