she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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