you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
