Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
