If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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