puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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