Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
