hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
