coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
