The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
