i think i have two assholes
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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