i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
