I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
