SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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