also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
