I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
