I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Duck Duck Cougar?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
