my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize