people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
