so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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