Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize