I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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