i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
