New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
COCAINE IS GR8
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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