My liver just broke up with me...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
