i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
