I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
