someone threw a dead crab at me
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
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