sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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