I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
