I accidentally burped into my bong.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
do herpes really smell.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
