the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Randomize
