Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
