the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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