Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
