I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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