"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My vagina is officially offended.
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