Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
