The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
